yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
