i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
