Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
