true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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