tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
