allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You ate ashes out of my bong
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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