What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
