I think my fart just growled at me.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
