3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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