And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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