Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
