we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
