I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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