3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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