i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
