Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
