If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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