R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
