Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize