Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
