if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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