I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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