I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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