I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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