I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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