my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
