I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
