I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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