I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize