i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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