you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
