Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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