Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize