Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You left your underwear on the fireplace
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
