Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
