When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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