i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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