Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
