Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
