I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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