Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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