This girl is more easily done than said...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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