I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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