I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
