im drinking this country out of the recession.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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