We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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