Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
