smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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