Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
