There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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