all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize