If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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