he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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