when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Randomize
