You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
