It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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