Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
