I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
