Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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