I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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