see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
