My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
