He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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