so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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