I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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