you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
