I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Everclear isn't food dammit
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
