My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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