Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize