oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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