part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
