that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
