I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
