moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She's the barista slut.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
