there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
